As I write this I am at work, watching flowers be delivered to people that aren’t me. Even worse I’m the one who informs those lucky individuals and watch their faces light up with glee about how awesome their husbands/boyfriends are. One such coworker got a giant-ass teddy bear. There will be no gifts for me and if there is by chance (there is no chance) I will not tell anyone that they are from my father.
These are the joys of being single on Valentine’s Day, a made up holiday designed to make singles like me feel inadequate. Now I have problems with Valentine’s Day to begin with, why is there only one day a year where you are supposed to send your lover something or remind the world how much you love them? Why not send them balloons on a random Wednesday in June? You shouldn’t need a holiday to do this kind of stuff. But this is not a post about my problems with this holiday, no this is a post about me feeling sorry for myself because I’m single. In honor of this I’m going to make a list of the top 5 celebrities that should be dating me. Aka: my imaginary boyfriends.
5). Liam Hemsworth
There is nothing in this world as perfect as an Australian accent. Expect Liam Hemsworth shirtless, talking to you, in his Australian Accent. I will admit right now that Chris Hemsworth is the hottest Hemsworth but he has kids and I’m not about that, despite that fact that I’d be the coolest and most un-Cinderella like step-mother ever!
Liam Hemsworth for all his Australian manliness has one major flaw and that is his fiancée, not- fiancée, fiancée, Miley ‘I’ll always be Hannah Montana’ Cyrus. Picturing him without her twerking in some ratchet outfit all over his frontside with a blunt in her mouth, while preaching about how wearing no clothes has a deeper meaning that us ‘normal’ people are too ignorant to understand, has become increasingly difficult with each passing day. His long term relationship with Ms.
Montana Cyrus proves he is either bat-shit crazy or insanely loyal. On this wonderful, rainy Valentine’s Day, I chose to believe the latter and there is nothing sexier than loyalty, except maybe free food.
4). Prince Harry
Every little girl at one point in their childhood dreamed about marrying a prince. If they deny this than they are lying or haven’t seen Mulan (I know technically he is not a Prince, don’t be that person). I dream about marrying a prince daily and I’m 23. Why you ask? Because I would make a fabulous princess. I can walk in a straight line, am pretty confident in my ribbon cutting abilities, and have fantastic hair, even if I don’t know how to style it. By marrying Prince Harry, I would get to show the world my talents for these things and live in a palace. Even better, with Harry, I won’t have to be Queen, meaning I’ll be a princess forever and won’t get boring and old like Kate (Love you Duchess Kate :)!).
Rumor has it that Prince Harry has found himself an American actress that lives in Canada for some reason (I know that’s where she works, hush it). I refuse to believe this rumor despite photographic evidence to the contrary. Until the day Prince Harry walks out of Westminster Abbey with a beautiful lady who is in a dress with a 100ft train, wearing a tiara, and forcing people to address her as Her Royal Highness, he is single and waiting for me.
3). Jon Snow
According to some people Jon Snow has a different name and is dating a drop dead gorgeous redhead who grew up in a castle. According to me he was just declared King of the North and is the son Rhaegar Targaryen, meaning he has the blood of a DRAGON! Oh, Spoiler Alert!! Are you suppose to do those before the spoiler? My bad!
There are good things that come with dating Jon Snow. First he has a direwolf, which shows he has a love of animals and won’t be opposed to me bringing home random puppies. Second he has a valyrian steel sword which can kill White Walkers, very important if I’m going to move to Westeros. Thirdly, he will eventually acquire a dragon and a ride on the back of a dragon is just what the doctor ordered.
I know some of you are thinking, “he is a fictional character Katie, it doesn’t count!” To that I say shut the hell up! This is MY imaginary boyfriend list!
2). Harry Styles
Some people get really drunk on their 21st birthday. Some people go to Chicago with a friend to see One Direction at Soldier Field. I am one of those two people.
Harry Styles is one of those celebrities with whom you crush on and you can’t really figure out why. I mean he is younger than me by a couple months and I have a strict no younger men rule. (Maybe that’s why I’m single, I have too many rules. Thoughts for another post.) He also has the worst tattoos a person can have, he literally looks like a human bulletin board. I can only assume that the giant butterfly on his chest was a drunken purchase or at least I hope it was. Harry also had really long greasy hair for a while, it was not appealing, but that was the old Harry. New mature Harry has short hair and black finger nails. He is also going to be in a major motion picture or as I like to call it a movie, this summer. In short no matter what he does Harry is charming and attractive and a whole lot of yes.
Oh, he also dated Taylor Swift and I have this weird fantasy about dating a guy Taylor dated where she writes a revenge song about how much of a slut I am, just like she did with Camilla Belle.
1). Chris Evans
The one American to make this list is a special sort. He is Captain America which means he is super super American. He makes number one on this list for one reason (really 500). He took on white supremacist and all around asshat, David Duke on twitter and won. Asshat made some dumb comment about the women Chris has “supposedly” dated and Chris responded by telling him to love everyone, which is the most Captain America thing to ever happen to Captain America.
Basically Chris is super attractive, super nice, and super Captain Americany. That ladies and maybe Gentlemen is what we call an imaginary boyfriend trifecta. Of course in my fantasy he takes me on at least one date wearing his Captain America costume. Is that weird? I think that maybe might be weird. Yeah it’s definitely weird, this is why I’m single. Ok, bye!