And the Oscar for most cringeworthy moment of television goes to….

 

You had one job! One f@#king job! And that was to hand people the correct envelope. This is not a difficult thing; I know a few seven years olds that can do this with perfection.

 

Let me tell something, a stage manager has just been fired and will never work in this town again. I know that I may be overreacting but Best Picture is a serious thing. If Hollywood is screwing up this bad than us normal simple folk don’t have a shot in hell of succeeding.    

 

In case you are living under a rock or are so scared of “fake news” that you have decided that we are the only truthful source on the internet, here is what happened. Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway announced La La Land as the winner of Best Picture when in fact the winner was Moonlight. It was just too much for that late at night and left me with lots of questions….

1. What the actual hell?

It seems that the presenters were handed the wrong envelope. For a show that is supposed to be timed and practiced to perfection and as someone who was basically the star of their 8th grade spring production, therefore giving me an expertise on live shows, this is unacceptable.  

2. Can these two legendary actors not read?

The envelope clearly said Best Actress in a Leading Role. Also the card inside said Emma Stone. Did they not think “Hey, Emma Stone is not one of the choices listed above?”

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3. Was Warren trying to set Faye up?

You could see the wheels turning in Warren’s head. His eyes were saying “Send help! Something is wrong!” While he was assumingely thinking, “I don’t know what to do. If only I had joined a profession where you had to improvise and react to situations caused by dumbass stage managers.” He did the only reasonable thing, make someone else do the thing you know is wrong so you can put your hands up and say “Wasn’t me, I didn’t read it.” I will give him some props for that.

4. Why didn’t someone immediately run out in slow motion and say “NOOOO?”

They let La La Land stand up there and give their acceptance speeches like fools for minutes. It’s complete BS that the producers don’t know who the winner is. I mean someone in the building has to know who the winners are for moments such as this or if some annoying celeb is all “I don’t like this person, I’ll give it to this person.”

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5. How do you hand someone the wrong envelope for the last award of night?

Aren’t all the other envelops opened? I do understand that there needs to be back-ups but don’t you throw them on the ground for the interns to pick up after the award has been given out? I mean this was the last award! There should have only been one envelope left! The logic behind this is making me pull my hair out. There should have been just one envelope left! ONE ENVELOPE! ONE MOTHER-EFFING ENVELOPE LEFT!”

6. This is Hollywood don’t they have people for that?

In my head the envelope goes through a corn maze before it even gets in the presenter’s hand. I assume there would be a person who gets the envelope from the briefcase, a person who then runs the envelope to a person by the stage entrance, a person who reads the envelope, a person who hands the envelope to the presenter, and finally a person who shouts at the presenter to get their ass on stage. That’s five people! In this perfect Hollywood world that envelope would have had to have crossed FIVE people! Of course in a perfect Hollywood world the presenters would just read the envelope and be all “No bitch, this is wrong.”

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7. Was this some cruel prank for ratings?

That would be just like Hollywood to do some stupid shit to get attention. If this was a prank it was a really mean one. The poor La La Land people had their hearts ripped out, stomped on, thrown in fish guts, chewed up, swallowed, than spit up again only to be lit on fire. Meanwhile, Moonlight did not get their moment of shining, out of touch glory and nobody wants that.

8. Where can I apply for the envelope hander outer job?

Am I right in assuming that position is open? It probably pays more in one night than I make in a year. I am completely qualified and am willing to relocate. I have passed the 2nd grade, granted it, it has been a while and I had to do it twice but I passed and that’s really all that matters.             

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Same Ryan, Same

 

 

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