Crap Hotel Guests Say to Me…

I work in the front office of a pretty big hotel. We have 300 rooms and are pretty much always full. I interact with guests everyday and as you can imagine that has left me with some pretty good stories. I’m actually writing a book but, today I thought I’d share with you some of the craziest,  most entertaining, and flat out dumb things guests have said to me and my coworkers.

-“I’m never staying at your hotel again because your [Christmas] tree doesn’t have a tree skirt!”

-“I have a small complaint. I know there is nothing you can really do about it but, I thought it should be brought to your attention. I think it is a fire hazard that your exit signs don’t lead to the elevator; they lead to the stairs that go outside. I mean I kept getting lost.”

      “Do you know how I can get in touch with Dolly Parton?”

      Guest: “My key isn’t working.”

Me: “My system says it is valid, is the light flashing red?”

Guest: “There is no place for me to insert the key.”

Me: “With these new key all you have to do it hold your key up to the padlock and it should unlock.”

Guest: “What padlock?”

Me: “Let me have my bellman assist you.”

[A few minutes later]

Bellman: “She was so determined to insert the key she ripped the entire padlock off the door.”

      Guest: “ I need to speak to a manger!”

Manger: “Yes sir, How can I assist you?”

Guest: “You are charging me more than the bill says”.

Manger: “That is just an extra hold for incidentals because you didn’t charge anything to your room, we will release that hold as soon as we check you out.”

Guest: “I work for the military and have travelled all over the world and stayed in many different hotels, including the Marriott in Pakistan the day it was bombed, I have never heard or been charged for “incidentals.”

-“I know this is not a pet friendly hotel but could I leave a dozen kittens behind the desk if they are in a crate? I just don’t want to leave them in the car because it’s hot.”

      “My uncle is John Gotti.”

      Guest: “Can I order some room service?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, what can I get for you?”

Guest: “I’ll have one large pepperoni pizza.”

Me: “We don’t serve pizza.”

Guest: “You don’t? Well, what do you severe?”

Me: “There is a menu on the table in your room.”

Guest: “Oh, I’ll call you right back.”

      “This information packet doesn’t tell me how to set a wake up call. It just says press 0 on the room phone but it doesn’t tell me how!”

      “Connecting to Internet is confusing, I could see the big red button but it just wasn’t very obvious.”

      “I want two room keys and you can keep one for when you come up later”

      Female Guest: “We are here to see (insert sales girl’s name here)”

Me: *calls office of sales person, there is no answer. I think silently to myself how weird it is that she didn’t answer, she usually does when she is expecting someone.* “Did y’all  have an appointment with her?”

Male Guest: “We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t sweetheart.”

      Me: Good Morning Sir, checking in with us?

Guest: [laughs at me like I’m an idiot] “Well what else would I’d be doing?”

Me Silently: “Well you’d be surprised asshole!”

      “Are all your carpets black? I woke up and thought I was going to fall through the floor. I felt like you knew that was my least favorite color and did it just to mess with me.”

      Guest: “My TV is not working!”

Me: “All our TVs have lost signal due to the thunderstorm, they should click back on as soon as the storm passes.”

Guest: “But it was working earlier.”

Me: “Afternoon thunderstorms are very common in the south, it will pass soon.”

Guest: “But the game is on.”

Me: ….

Guest: “I know it’s just my TV because it was working earlier, can I move rooms, I need to watch the game.”

Me: “None of the TVs are working in the lobby due to the storm, I can move you rooms but the TV will still not have signal.”

Guest: “I know it’s just my TV because it was working just a few minutes ago.”

Me: [screams internally] “IT WASN’T STORMING A FEW MINTUES AGO!”

      [Couple comes to complain that their key isn’t working on the elevator to get them to their room on one of the elite floors]

Me: Makes them 3 news keys including one I had hand programmed, gives them free breakfast for the inconvenience, takes an eight story elevator ride with them, shows them on the elevator that the issue isn’t the key but the elevator itself, almost gets squished in the elevator doors trying to call the 3rd elevator that is MIA, gets a manger and calls the manger of engineering, explains that the manger of engineering is currently walking by us to the elevator, and the front desk manger has a master key and knows elevator secrets that I don’t and will take over from here.

Guest: [condescending tone] “Can you just make us a new key, I mean I don’t want to tell you how to do your job but…. “

      Guest: “How do you spell clan?”

Front desk host: “C-L-A-N”

Guest: “Isn’t it K-L-A-N?”

Front Desk Host: “I believe you only spell it that way when referring to the KKK”

Guest: “Oh God no!”

      Guest: *struggling with bags & child*

Front desk agent: “Ma’am would you like me to help you with anything?”

Guest: *hands her her child*

      *phone rings*

Guest: “Does this cost money?”

Phone Operator: “To use the phone?”

Guest: *being completely serious* “No, to ask a question?”

      Guest: “What your rate for tonight?”

Me: “Our walk-in rate is $149.”

Guest: “What’s the biggest room you have?”

Me: “All our rooms are the same size, we have rooms with kings and two double beds.”

Guest: “And what’s the rate?”

Me: “$149”

Guest: “For two double beds?”

Me: “$149”

Guest: “What if I booked online?”

Me: “$159”

Guest: What about way in advance like March?”

Me: Well, our normal weekday rate is $269.”

Guest: “Really?”

Me: “yes”

Guest: “How many beds is that?”

Me: “two double beds”

Guest: Yeah, I know, so four beds?”

Me: “No, two double sized beds”

Guest: “So four beds?”

Me: “no, just two beds.”

Guest: “But you can sleep four, so its like four beds?”

Me: “I guess it could be like four twins pushed together.”

Guest: “so you have rooms with four twins?”

Me: “no we have rooms with a king or two doubles.”

Guest: “are they both the same price?”

Me: “yes”

Guest: “what’s the rate?”

      Me: *points to the right* “ The elevators are just around this corner on the right.”

Guest: * immediately turns left, walks around the lobby, starts to get frustrated* “Where are the elevators!?”

Me: *points to the right* “ Around this corner on the right.”

      Guest: “Is it standard for housekeeping to only give one roll of toilet paper when you ask for more?

Supervisor: “I am not sure but I can get you another if you like?”

Guest: “Yes, two”

Supervisor: “Ok, what is your room number I’ll have housekeeping deliver that right away.”

Guest: You don’t have any behind the desk?”

Supervisor: “No ma’am.”

Guest: “Well, forget it then.” You know that is ridiculous we are a top-tier rewards member and you only gave us one roll? I want corporate’s number!”

*later*

Housekeeper: “When I delivered the roll, I asked her if there was anything else she needed and she said no.”

      Guest: “You said you would call me when our room was ready!”

FD Agent: “I’m so sorry but the tornado this morning knocked out our phone system and we just realized it and are trying our best to get it back up. But your room is ready and I would be happy to check you in.”

Guest: “That’s really not a valid excuse.”

FD Agent: “But it was a tornado.”

      Guest: “I kept pressing zero on my phone and no one is answering.”

FD Agent: “I am so sorry ma’am the storm this morning knocked out our phone system.”

Guest: “But I pressed zero on my cell phone and it still wouldn’t connect and my cell phone is working fine.”

FD Agent: “Did you dial the hotel number?”

Guest: “I pressed zero and nothing happened.”

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1 Comment

  1. Kathleen Summers
    March 25, 2017 / 7:55 PM

    Kate, The world is full of UNUSUAL people and sooner or later they will appear at the front desk, there is know escaping them. Be patient with them and keep writing your book. You just gave me a very good laugh.

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