As we wait patiently for the first appearance of the saviors themselves “The Twins” to fly out on the back of bumblebees from Queen Bey’s womb, I thought I would share with you my thoughts on the other things going on in the celebrity universe. For 2017 is the gift that keeps on giving. Lets begin.
Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are fighting about really dumb stuff!
Taylor Swift. You know her, I know her. She is kind of a big deal. She has sold a ton of records, sells out stadiums, and my DirecTV continues to tell me about how she has her own channel. I can think of nothing worse than watching 24 hours of Taylor Swift and I actually enjoy her music. Taylor, herself though, is a mean girl extraordinaire. Seriously! Think about it, her entire career is based on insulting people. To top it off, she makes sure that everyone knows who these songs are about, whether she’s giving passive aggressive interviews, leaving notes in the album liners, or literally naming songs after someone (ie: “Dear John” or “Style”). Taylor’s latest victim is boob whip cream squirting Katy Perry.
This is apparently all because Katy “stole” backup dancers off of Taylor’s tour to join her tour. Really? Your this butt-hurt over backup dancers? Ms. Swift is the dumbass that didn’t have the dancers locked in an ironclad contract. All’s fair in love and pop-tart concert tours. Taylor threw the first punch in the most obnoxious attention seeking way. She released a music video for “Bad Blood” (the worst song off of 1989) with a bunch of supermodels preparing for battle.
She had already told Rolling Stone that the song was about Katy, but this music video was just petty. It said, I have more friends than you, they are super famous (I had heard of maybe two of them), and are ready to kick your ass. I would like to take this moment to tell you that Taylor is almost 30. The music video makes has no point or plot and is literally just one giant reminder for Katy to step back, even though Katy and her friends, Rihanna and Nikki Minaj, could beat all those skinny bitches with both eyes closed.
Katy responded to this cattiness on her new album with a song that is meh. If they are going to fight through music can they at least make the songs good?
Well Taylor can obviously dish it, but can’t take it. She then decided to released her entire catalog on all streaming servers at the exact same time that Katy’s new album dropped. What a bitch move, I kind of appreciate it! Taylor has made it her cause for good to shame all streaming sites because “they don’t pay artists enough” and now all the sudden she’s changed her mind? No, this was done to interfere with Katy’s numbers. Taylor is the ultimate mean girl and she and her posse of skinny blonde frowning “friends” need to be called out on it. I’m going to go out and buy Katy’s album in protest… that will show her. (Edit: I never actually brought Katy’s album because it sucked)
Katy pulled a Miley!
Katy’s new album, as mentioned in the previous story, is out. It is called Witness and it’s just ok. I mean, it’s not horrible, it’s just no Teenage Dream. She is totally doing what Miley did a few years ago with Bangerz, trying way to hard to prove she is, as the kids are saying these days, hip and cool. She even dyed and cut her hair the same way that Miley did. Katy is dressing more provocatively and I can only assume is getting her foam finger ready for the VMAs. But as I predicted Miley would do, I predict the same for Katy. She will grow her hair back out, get back with her previous boyfriend (Orlando Bloom) and release really good pop songs once again in attempt to make us forget about this phase. In all seriousness though Miley’s new music is really good, go check it out! Also buy Katy’s new album just because Taylor!
George Clooney a father?
George Clooney is a father. This feels strange coming out of my mouth. How did we let this happen?
I have a theory! George Clooney is thinking of pulling a Reagan and running for office. Everyone knows that to be taken seriously one must be married and have procreated. Notice too whom he married. Was it one of the supermodels he has been bedding for the past 20 years? Nope! He married a super gorgeous human rights lawyer who works with the UN.
So expect it to happen, George will run for office. Amal will wear white gloves while speaking 5 languages simultaneously. And the twins, Ella and Alexander, will just be cute.
The hottest Chris
This is what I get for reading Buzzfeed. They decided to hold a poll to see who the best Hollywood Chris is. This is not up for debate, it’s Chris Evans, read my previous post. You’re welcome Buzzfeed!
Pippa Middleton is super married, but still not super royal!
Pippa, bless her little heart, tried to make her wedding a royal event. Despite shutting down roads, calling in the press, and hiring her own fly over, it just didn’t work. It must be hard to know that despite all your social climbing, your boring sister will still be Queen and you will only be Lady of Glen Affric (whatever that means).
Pippa looked beautiful and glowing, but even though her husband has all his hair, he is still not a prince. Duchess Kate, Prince George, Princess Charlotte, and Prince Harry’s latest squeeze Meghan Markle, a woman that wasn’t even at the ceremony, completely overshadowed everything.
My favorite part was when Prince George had a meltdown, because you know children, and Duchess Kate was having none of it. You can just hear her saying “you better f@&king smile or I’ll take away your pony.” To which I am assuming Prince George cried “but Mummy there are too many peasants here!”
All in all Pippa’s wedding was cool and as I write this she is still on her globetrotting expensive honeymoon, even though it’s been two weeks since the I dos. But hey, if I didn’t have to have a job and my Daddy had an unlimited bank account, I’d stay on vacation forever. Pip pip cheerio!