Royal News from Across the Pond!

It was announced from Kensington Palace that Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge is currently knocked up with her third child. 

Question…am I the only one that immediately pictures a couple having sex when they announce baby news, thus making the announcement kind of gross and awkward? Just wondering amongst friends. Anyways….  

Her Royal Highness is once again throwing up non-stop and is unable to carry on her royal duties of looking pretty and pretending to be interested in other people’s problems. I do admire her though, she has already done what was expected of her by producing an heir and a spare. She had struggled with this extreme morning sickness during her last two pregnancies and if I was her, I would have screamed at my husband to never touch me again.

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I have taken the liberty and named William and Kate’s new baby for them. I believe that it will be another girl. Prince George, future King, is destined to be the only boy in that family. The bookies are saying that her name will be Alice. I don’t like Alice. Every time I hear that name, I think about a little girl tripping on acid and falling down a rabbit hole after chasing a rabies infected bunny.

Royal babies are usually named after other royals and I think they should name the baby after some royals that never get much love. Like their distant, they have to be related somehow, cousin, Marie Antoinette. Or how about Mary Tudor. No? We shouldn’t name the princess after the “let them eat cake” guillotine queen or Bloody Mary? Fine.

On the odd chance that it is a boy, he should be called Philip Arthur James. Since we have already established that it will be a girl, her name shall be Alexandra Victoria Frances. You’re welcome.

The Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge Visit Germany - Day 3

In other royal news, what in the name of Sarah Ferguson is this?

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Since when does a royal girlfriend get the cover of Vanity Fair? Isn’t that against every royal rule? Aren’t you suppose to keep your mouth shut until you are officially an HRH?

Duchess Kate kept her mouth shut for 10 years! It wasn’t until the engagement interview that we finally heard Kate’s posher than my future king husband’s voice. So, just go back to Canada you silly American.

Further analysis of the cover leaves us with two possible meanings .

1). A royal engagement could come at anytime. Most likely in December thus leaving an opening for a June wedding. Followed by a spring baby. Girl is 36 and this job requires her to pop out two babies. There would be no time for waiting around.     

2). This could also mean that the relationship is coming to a close. Meghan Markle was a D-list actress on a D-list show. No one had heard about her until she started dating the world’s most eligible bachelor, the last good looking Prince in the only Royal Family that matters. She was the world’s most googled actress of 2016 and no one had heard her name until November. Think about that, in two months she became the world’s most googled actress, all thanks to the ginger prince. She has been given such an opportunity and good for her for milking it, especially if she sees the end is near.    

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I like most people believe that option #1 is the most likely scenario and I am fully expecting to write a royal engagement post sooner rather than later.

The “establishment”, whoever they are, are apparently not happy about this at all. They say Ms. Meghan spells the end of the monarchy. I say that the monarchy has survived a king giving up his throne to marry some chick from Baltimore, that one time Queen Victoria decided not to be Queen for two decades, and of course when Fergie sucked on that one guy’s toe. I think they can survive Meghan Markle, she’s very pretty, well educated (she is a graduate of Northwestern University), and she knows her own mind.

My favorite part of this story is that she is an American. And not one of those Americans that grew up on the east coast, going to the best boarding schools, spending summers in the Hamptons and winters in Palm Beach, basically pretending that they were an aristocrat like Jackie O. or Princess Grace. No, Meghan grew up in Los Angeles, so she is super American. Like stealing a golf cart and driving barefoot, popping bubble gum bubbles up the corridors of Buckingham Palace American.

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I will say though that if Harry wants an American, he should just marry me. I am violently American. I would bring those buck tooth royals to their knees with shock and awe and they would love every second of it.

Anywho good luck with everything guys! Babies and all!           

2 Comments

  1. Kathleen Summers
    September 8, 2017 / 7:57 PM

    Love it. 😍

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