Christmas is truly my favorite time of year. I over decorate my house, eat as many Christmas cookies as possible, and of course listen to Christmas music on repeat the entire season. While most of these songs pass the holiday spirit test, there are a few that bring out the Grinch in me. Without further ado, I proudly present the worst hit Christmas songs in the history of hit Christmas songs.
- My Favorite Things
Objectively, I like this song. My issue is that this is not a Christmas song. It is a song from a very popular musical, nothing else. Just because a song says sleigh bells does not a Christmas song make. Unless Julie Andrews is singing it to a bunch of frightened Austrian children, I don’t want to hear it.
- Hey Santa!
Released by Carnie & Wendy Wilson in 1993, it’s been slowly destroying Christmas ever since. The high pitched “hey Santa” in the refrain is beyond obnoxious. This song tries to hide its lack of creativity by overcompensating on the cuteness level. It’s childlike. The song literally sounds like something an elementary school music teacher would have her students sing at the obligatory Christmas pageant to hide from the fact that her students don’t actually have any talent.
- I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
You want a what? I get that this song was released in the 1950s and is supposed to be a joke, but it’s 2017 and the time for that joke has passed. Yet, people are still releasing covers of this song. Furthermore, every time I hear the original, I think it’s Shirley Temple singing, but it’s not, it’s some 10 year old named Gayla Peevey. It’s drives me crazy that it’s not Shirley Temple, it should be sung by Shirley Temple. Only 1930s Shirley could pull off such a stupid song.
- Where Are You Christmas?
This song was written specifically for the 2000 movie The Grinch. In the movie, the song is sung by Cindy Lou Who and it’s cute, sad, and semi-relatable. In real life, the song is sung by Faith Hill and it’s like receiving a root canal in the ears. The first line in this song is, “Where are you Christmas? Why can’t I find you?” The answer is simple, leave the house, turn on the TV, go to the mall. Christmas is everywhere. The premise is that this woman has changed and she can’t find her Christmas spirit and then all the sudden, in the course of a 2 minute song, she finds Christmas and life is good again [insert eye-roll here]. She probably got the one present she wanted and suddenly went, “oh wait I remember why I love this holiday.”
- Last Christmas
The song that every I want to be a bubblegum pop princess** will cover once in their career. This song is about someone who gave someone else “their heart” on Christmas and 24 hours later they broke up. And here we are a year later and this bitch still ain’t over it. If I learned anything from Sex and the City, it is that you are only allowed to mourn a relationship for half the time a relationship lasted. In this case, that means 12 hours. To make matters worse, this song isn’t even Christmasy. You could literally fill in the blank with any other holiday and the song would still work.
Last Halloween, I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away.
Last Labor Day, I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away.
Last talk like a pirate day, I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away.
See what I mean?
** Taylor Swift, Gwen Stefani, Carly Rae Jepsen, Ariana Grande, Cascada, Ashley Tisdale, Hilary Duff, The Cheetah Girls, and The Cast of Glee have all covered this song.
- Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time a boy and girl went on a date. Girl wants to leave and boy is like “no, you’re staying.” That is Baby, It’s Cold Outside. Homegirl is ready to get the hell off this island. She’s literally pulling every excuse in the book. She even uses the old “My maiden aunt already thinks I’m a slut” excuse. But he doesn’t give in and it all comes to a head when she looks at him and goes “hey, what’s in this drink?” EXCUSE ME!! Did he just roofie her? Merry f@#cking Christmas, here’s a date rape drug. How is this song in this day and age not problematic? People continue to ignore the lyrics because it is covered by literally everyone. Can you name a Christmas album from the last 10 years that doesn’t have this song on it? (Don’t actually do that.)
- Christmas Shoes
Christmas Shoes was an attempt by Christian band NewSong to remind people the true meaning of Christmas. They missed the mark and they missed the mark bad. Like trying to get to India, but ending up in Canada bad. The song tells the story of man who is in a bad mood. He is in this bad mood because he is an idiot and waited until Christmas Eve to finish his Christmas shopping. He will from this moment forward be known as douchebag procrastinator. Standing in line in front of douchebag procrastinator is a little boy wanting to buy a pair of shoes. Here’s the kicker, he is buying the shoes for his mother that is on her deathbed and is probably going to die on Christmas. Feeling the Christmas joy yet? Well, let me to continue.
The kid tells the sales clerk his sob story and the clerk is all like “that’s cool and all, but you’re short on money.” Now in this sales clerk defense, the kid was attempting to pay in pennies and that is just the worst. Not as horrible as your mother dying on Christmas, but still horrible. Also speaking as someone who has worked on the holidays, this clerk just wants to go home and be with his family, but is stuck dealing with people like douchebag procrastinator. Speaking of douchebag procrastinator, he steps in and pays for the shoes after the kid asks for help. Then, and this is the worst part, douchebag procrastinator turns this kid’s horrible life around and makes it about himself. He thinks that God decided to kill this kid’s mother on Christmas to remind him, douchebag procrastinator, the true meaning of Christmas. I am not kidding, this asshat is so full of himself, he thinks that God, as in THE GOD, killed a little boy’s mother to send him, douchebag procrastinator, a message. Because you know dying mothers are the reason for the season. Furthermore the song just ends. Do we ever learn if mom makes it through the night? Do we learn if she likes the shoes? Do we learn if upon her entry in heaven Jesus likes the shoes? No! All we see is douchebag procrastinator feeling proud of himself.
- Mary, did you know?
This might be a shocking choice for number one considering my rant on Christmas Shoes, but words cannot describe how much I hate this song. The whole song is asking Mary, as in Jesus’s mother, if she knew how awesome her son would be. Let’s review the Christmas story shall we. Mary is a 13 year old virgin living in Middle East, probably just chilling and having a good time. One day an angel comes to her and is all, “Mary, guess what?” And she’s all, “what”? And the angel goes, “God, wants to have a live human baby and you’re going to carry said child, raise said child, and watch said child die. Doesn’t that sound like fun?” And Mary was probably all, “what”? Fast forward to the release of this song. “Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?” Well, his father is GOD, so I would say she knew that this kid wasn’t going to be exactly “normal.” Every time this song comes on the the radio I feel the need to respond. “Mary did you know”? Yes! She Knew!