Meet Archie: The Non Royal, Royal Baby!

Duchess Meghan’s 18 year pregnancy finally came to an end on Monday. She gave birth to a lovely little boy and everything in the world is pure again!

Harry is super happy, like super super gitty.

Prince Harry is adorable, full stop! He announced that Meghan had “been safely delivered of a son” and could not contain his excitement. Though he has to be nervous as hell. Turning that child into a successful adult is up to him and Meghan. That’s a terrifying thought, what if you suck and your child becomes the new Jack the Ripper or worse Lena Dunham. I’m sure everything will be fine, after all the British monarchy only produces perfect children. Wait… you think I said that sarcastically… I would never.

What’s in a Name?

Archie Harrison Mountbatten- Windsor. Archie! How random! I mean I like it, although I keep thinking about Archie Andrews and how much of mess Riverdale is now. Such a disappointment because the first season was so good. Anyways, rumors have been circulating for months that Prince George’s nickname is Archie and if that is the case it’s very disrespectful to steal the future king’s name. This kid better be a ginger, that’s all I can say. It’s the only way to make up for name thief. And if George is not actually called Archie and someone just made that up I apologize…maybe. Harrison means “son of Henry”, which is super clever and totally acceptable. 

I will now take this opportunity to explain this kid’s last name, since I have been asked about this many times today. Step into my classroom. Is it weird that I know this without having to look it up? Asking for a friend, who is me. So officially the royal family does not have a last name. Their House name is Windsor and they often use that as a last name or more commonly royal children take their last name from their parents’ titles. Examples: William Wales or George Cambridge. But for some reason, of which I don’t understand, little Archie has no title. Now he wasn’t born a Prince because only the children and grandchildren of the reining monarch are given such a title and Charles is not king yet. You can thank George V, who during the early 20th century felt there were just too many prince and princesses running around. Prince George was different because he is a future king and the Queen gave special permission for Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis to receive their titles early. She could have done the same for Archie, but I guess decided not too? All of that being said, Prince Harry is a duke and that title is hereditary, meaning Archie will inherit it no matter what. Even if he doesn’t use it, he will still become the Duke of Sussex upon his father’s death. Therefore even without the Queen’s permission he could be styled Lord Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, Earl of Dumbarton. I went into this long historical rant to inform you that this means Harry and Meghan decided not to use their kid’s title. I guess this is to make him “normal?” Even though he’s the grandson, nephew, and first cousin of future kings, his grandmother is Princess Diana, he lives in a mansion on the grounds of a castle, and all the morning shows cut into their programming to show his debut live. Normal he will never be, which is fine because being normal is overrated anyways.

Harry and Meghan aren’t the first royals to forgo titles for their children. Princess Anne, the Queen’s only daughter, has two children, both without titles. This is because the title comes from the father and Princess Anne’s ex-husband refused the Earldom that the Queen offered him, which explains the divorce. It is also worth noting that Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex, the Queen’s youngest son, took the title of Earl upon his marriage instead of a Dukedom which is customary for the sons of monarchs. Therefore his children are not Princess and Prince because they are styled with the titles awarded to the children of an Earl. They are Lady Louise and Lord James, Viscount Severn. It is expected that upon Prince Philip’s death, which could happen any day now, sorry to get all morbid, but the dude is 97, Prince Edward will inherit his title Duke of Edinburgh, thus making his children Prince and Princess. All of this doesn’t really matter because upon Charles’s ascension to the throne in just a few years, we must all acknowledge that the Queen is old, Archie will become a prince. That’s right he will become His Royal Highness Prince Archie Harrison of Sussex, so you read all of that for nothing. 

Mountbatten- Windsor?

Ok, so I have established that the British Monarchy is led by the House of Windsor. This usually changes after a Queen. Her son or heir would customarily take thier father’s name. Examples: after Elizabeth I it changed from the House of Tudor to the House of Stuart. After Victoria it changed from the House of Hanover to the House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, which Queen Victoria’s grandson, the previously mentioned, George V changed to the House of Windsor during WWI because Saxe-Coburg and Gotha is super German and well Germans weren’t very popular at the time. Furthermore monarchies were dropping like flies, see the Romanovs. Pretty much George did what he had to do to keep living in his palace and taking tax payer dollars to fund his stamp collection. This means the House of Windsor is fairly new and his granddaughter Elizabeth is only the 3rd (we are not counting Edward VIII because obviously) Windsor monarch. But Elizabeth is a Queen and that means that her son will take his father’s name and the house will change upon her death right? No, not so! Prince Philip was born a prince in the disposed royal family of Greece. His mother was British and part of the Mountbatten family. To marry Elizabeth, Philip had to give up all his titles and he chose the British name Philip Mountbatten after his mother and for his uncle Louis Mountbatten, whom Prince Louis is named after. Well old Louis started bragging that the future monarchs would be part of the House of Mountbatten and this pissed off Queen Mary, Elizabeth’s grandmother and George V’s widow. Long story short, Elizabeth made a royal decree that her heirs would remain part of the House of Windsor, but those royals without an official title would use the surname Mountbatten-Windsor. Afterwards she made Philip a British prince, so he would stop bitching. This is all explained in the The Crown, which you should watch because it’s great.

What is this nonsense?

This was an actual headline I saw on Instyle today, “Why Meghan Markle Still Looks Pregnant After Giving Birth.” Umm…maybe because she hosted a 7 pound alien in her body for 9 months and then less than 72 hours ago push said alien out of her who-hah. I mean for god-sakes it took her 9 months to put all that weight on, give her at least 9 months to take it off. She is not even allowed to exercise for 6 weeks because her body has to heal because she gave birth to a human child!!! And if she can’t get back to her pre-baby weight who cares? She gave birth and anyone who does that is basically Wonder Women and they can look however they damn well please. Instyle can change the headline and spin this as much as they want, we all know what they are getting at. This is why women have such a complex because you know, lets not focus on the cute little infant, lets focus on the fact that Duchess Meghan is not strutting down Windsor Castle in a bikini five minutes after giving birth. Insert eye-roll here. Insert so many eye-rolls here. Insert infinite number of eye-rolls here!!!! 


Are Harry and Meghan and William and Kate still feuding? (IDK why this headline is bigger than the rest, but it’s driving me nuts)

After putting on my FBI hat, I have discovered that Meghan is personally running the Royal Sussex Instagram page. How do I know? Well it’s too American. First she uses American words like diapers when the British call them nappies. She also referred to both Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis, as just Charlotte and Louis on their birthday. A huge no-no. They have titles, we, and when I say we I mean them, must use them. All of the other royal Instagram accounts including Wills and Kate’s used them. Other royal outlets have picked up on this, so you can imagine the shock when Royal Sussex stopped following Kensington Royal. Now this was all explained in an over the top post, that Meghan definitely wrote. They only follow charities now to get said charities press and attention, but they are following OWN Super Soul Sunday, which is Oprah and Oprah don’t need no attention, she got plenty, she’s Oprah. This triggered my BS radar big time. It’s well established that the Sussexes and the Cambridges no longer like each other. Apparently Meghan is an annoying American or something. Can we just take a moment to acknowledge that instead of fighting on the battlefield and killing all the peasants, royals are now fighting on the internet. That is the most 21st century thing to happen to the 21st century and we should all be proud that we made it this far. Anyways nothing brings people together like little gingers named Archie. Cue Sugar Sugar by the Archies.


💚 Katie M.



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